"Nothing changes if nothing changes, and if I keep doing what I've always done, I'll keep getting what I've always got, and will keep feeling what I always felt." ~author unknown

Night time is the worst time. 

Most workdays I can get through without overeating if prepared with healthy snacks.  I can set up my workstation with a pitcher of green tea, raw veggies, fruit bowl, raw nuts, oatmeal. At work I have determination and I love heading out for a walk at breaks and lunch – it’s better than sitting at work. 

But at night after a long day, my dinner portions are insensibly large, and once I start eating, I can’t seem to stop --  it’s such an ingrained habit. 

In my young adult days--my thin days--what was so different?  Well, I was younger with a better metabolism.  But so were all my friends who are still thin now.  So what are the differences between me and them now?

Frankly, my own habits.  I have steadily gained weight over the years, and the things I loved to do have fallen by the wayside.  I come home, sit, and watch TV or surf the net.  That sums up my activities on any given weeknight.  I used to love to write, but I can’t sit down at the computer without checking my email and Facebook, and without playing a game or several of backgammon.  Backgammon, of course, does not make me break a sweat, and I can easily eat while I’m doing it.  This damn computer sucks away my time, my attention, my ambition, my life, and deposits it all into my fat cells.

When I was younger, I was busy.  By day I worked in theatre building sets or in the front office of a general contractor and ran shows at night.  I went out.  I had fun.  I danced.  I romanced.  I DID stuff.  This kept me off my ass.  I don’t do that now.  In fact, since moving to this town two decades ago, I have not worked in theatre at all.  I used to love to do just about anything creative. 

I have made several feeble attempts over the years to get back into creative things.  Stocked my shelves with paintbrushes, paper, and an easel; bought creative writing books, etc. 

So what stops me?  When I walk through that front door, why do I head for the chair (or the refrigerator first)?  I have plenty I could be doing.  Even if not creatively, I could be making my own living space a better place – paint the walls or even vacuum for god’s sake.  But there is something that triggers in me the lazy desire to just kick back and rest, and most detrimentally, stop thinking, planning, desiring. 

So the easy answer is, go do something!  But almost anything you do costs money.  Go bowling?  Prepare to drop $25.  Take a class? Prepare to drop $10-30.  Go swimming at the community pool?  Prepare to drop $4.  Okay, $4 doesn’t seem like much, but then you take the kids and that’s $12.  Some of you are thinking that still isn’t all that much, but maybe you aren’t living paycheck to paycheck.  I could go for a walk, but at this time of year, it’s too dark when I get home from work and I live in an area with no sidewalks and few streetlights. 

Also, if I book something to do every night just to keep myself away from the refrigerator, then I am leaving the family behind (or shelling out lots of money).  I feel guilty.  Plus, that expense and time does not contribute to the welfare of the household. Even though I’m not doing anything to contribute to that welfare when I’m home sitting on my ass, I still feel guiltier being out and away spending money than being there and not doing anything. Yeah, weird logic, I know.

But it is clear that I must do something different.  If nothing changes, nothing changes. I could drop $40 a month and go to a gym, but I’ve been down that road before and I am not going to set myself up for failure, especially at such high price.  I have one night booked for Zumba, so that’s something.  I am adding yoga on Sundays, that will help too.  Now those things together make for a bill of $17 a week (more $$ monthly than the gym, but I’m very committed to them).  I must find something that doesn’t cost that can keep me busy – perhaps volunteer work --  something that will keep my ass off the chair, my face out of the refrigerator, maybe even boost my self-esteem enough to demand more out of life and respark my ambition and inspire my desires.